Grrr....

Several times in the last two weeks or so, I have treated myself to Starbucks on my way to work.  It is entirely too convenient-a right turn in, a right turn out, and a total of three minutes spent picking it up.  That includes parking!  So, in an effort to save my pennies, or dollars when purchasing cups of coffee, I decided to buy an espresso machine.  I have been a barista, so I know the tricks.  In my excitement, I accidentally purchased two machines.  Different brands which I will not mention.  They will not like me.

I tried out both machines and to my extreme frustration, neither of them worked.  On one, the pump would not work and on the other, the steamer wand would not steam.  The only thing that got steamed was me!  It was not a banner afternoon.  So now, not only am I without an espresso machine, but I have to pay to ship them both back to Amazon.  Grrr...

I think my dollars will go to Starbucks tomorrow morning.

Confused and Grateful

These are words that have me  in a nutshell lately.  Quite a contrast of feeling, but completely true.  Confusion at how to deal with the cancer that my mother has been diagnosed with and grateful to have been given a job that keeps me busy enough during the day that I don't think about that confusion.  Life is strange that way.

She is undergoing chemotherapy treatments and so far so good.  We are only two treatments in.  I have asked for information regarding life expectancy and all of those things that people want to know who do not deal with uncertainty well.  I have come to realize that there is no certainty in life.  There are no hard, definitive answers.  The only thing I can do is be positive and encouraging.  So that is what I do.

I had someone say some very hurtful things to me about cancer.  That it is a blessing.  That is total crap.  They have obviously never dealt with it before.  That at least they were not hit by a bus-you get to say goodbye.  Again, more crap.  That is all I will say about that.

I am grateful for the job I have.  I learned of it a mere two weeks after my mother's diagnosis.  It is a blessing to be busy and when thoughts creep into my head, I make sure they are positive ones.  Negatives will only bog me down.  I am positive I love my mother and that the doctors are doing everything they can to help her beat her cancer.  I can only do the same.

I am grateful I have wonderful family and friends that I can talk to about my confused and grateful emotions.  I am grateful to all of them.  There is no confusion there.  There will be days when I know how to deal with things outwardly, but inwardly is another thing.  Sometimes, I really suck at it.  But I am far from perfect.  I am doing the best I can and I take things one day at a time.  With a confused and grateful heart.